Submission

Submission.
Noun.
The action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.

It's supposed to be easy.
Or, rather, easier than control should be

But some of us weren't born that way
Some of us weren’t chosen to be gentle
Weren’t chosen to laugh, play,
Be soft to the touch

Some of us,
We unlucky little bastards
Some of us God looked at
And said

“You.
You will know struggle.
There will be a fire in you that will never settle, never burn out.
And it will consume you.
And you’ll hate every minute of it.
Hate yourself for it.
You.”

I don’t know why God chose me
I'm not strong enough for this
I'm not strong enough to carry the weight of others
I can barely hold my own head up some days
Others I can’t get out of bed.

It's not my fault that control is my only relief.
They say submission is easy, but I have a feeling those people have never had to control the world around them just to feel safety
Or comfort
I have a decade’s experience in keeping myself safe.
Why should I give that up?
No one can save me.
love can fix the stains on the bathroom sink
Or the tugging feeling in my mouth
My neurons shooting their way through my brain at light speeds
No gentleness can fix the broken mirror
Or the blood all over my knuckles
Or the cracked, crooked reflection staring at me

Watching
Waiting

I don’t know how long it'll be before my clenched fists connect with shattered sky again
And you think that giving up would save me

I give, then?
Break down these crimson adamant walls
Let you cradle me?

Just like you did when I was a child, right?

Sitting on my bedroom floor
My back to that stupid lime green wall my brother painted
Crying because the rope broke before it could hold me?

You were there, right?

I had to go ask my mom for scissors
Because I couldn't get the rope off my neck
I told her I was making a necklace.

I was 10.

You were there, yes?

When I started slitting my wrists?
Taking apart anything I could
Just to get my hands on something sharp.

Slitting the shit out of any skin I could get my hands on, really
Just because I couldn’t fucking stand myself.
I was 12.

You were there, right?

I could list so many times
I could go on for hours
Every heartbreak, failure, facade, falsehood I tortured myself with
Every heartbeat of mine is stained with the sin of it all
The sin of wanting more

And thats the worst fucking part of it
Some deep, sick part of me wants more

I want to feel the tension rise as tendons snap and bone breaks
Unraveling at the seams
Blood boiling
My heartbeat screaming
Breaking its way out of my chest to the floor

I want to slam my head into the concrete
The sink
This stupid fucking mirror
I want to taste the brain matter running down my face
The blood all over my skin
My flesh in pieces around my body

I want to hurt in ways I could never come back from.
I want to scream until i give out

Just so you’d forgive me.

I went through so much
And you don’t make mistakes,
Right?

Nothing happens for no reason,
Right?

So why?
Why did I have to go through all of that?
I was so little.

Do you know how little 10 is,

Yahweh?

Do you, in all your infinite years, understand how little I had lived?
Mary was just a teen when she gave birth to your beloved Yeshua

Ave maria, gratia plena, dominus tecum
Benedicta tu in mulieribus
Et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Jesus.
Sancta Maria, mater dei
Ora pro nobis peccatoribus
Nunc et in hora mortis nostrae
Amen.

The Holy Mary.
She’s praised constantly for being so young and going through so much
What do I get?

What. Do. I. Get?

What do I get for destroying myself for you?
I would lie awake at night fantasizing about gutting myself on an altar.
All for you
A perfect little blood sacrifice, right?
Perfect little sheep
I made sure my wool was so clean
Pure and white as snow
I made sure my flesh was ready
That the knife would cut through as smooth as possible
My blood is the most beautiful crimson as it runs down my body

Why is that not enough for you??
I wish to die
Why make me live

Living is so hard
Hope is harder
I have to get out of bed
Every fucking day
For you?

Let me hate myself into healing
Into redemption
Dont ask any more of me, lord
Please.